I was reading a book, still my favorite book to this day, Napoleon Hills Law of Success. At first it seemed so overwhelming and yet so simple. I remember thinking it just isn’t as simple as he makes it sound. Make a contract? follow his rules? So I did. The first thing that stood out was WOW how can I limit my goal to just one thing when I have so much going on and so much thatI want to do. How can I create a plan for each one of these things. Again, I felt pulled in all directions. Overwhelmed. Honestly, I had to sit with this task for a long time. When I finally wrote that contract it wasn’t done on a whim. I wrote and rewrote and rewrote and rethought and so on and so on. My main objective was to sum up all my goals into one meaningful powerful goal that encompassed everything I wanted to accomplish with out sounding scatter brained. I wish I could sit here and tell you that it took a few hours but it didn’t it took months maybe a year. Sitting down to that task was the best thing I ever did because it wasn’t the completing of that task that changed my life it was the process of understanding that task. Now, understand this Napoleon Hill does not ask what do you want to achieve he asks HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU WANT TO MAKE. The reason I find this so brilliant is because it teaches us to value ourselves. If I can’t write a million dollars its because I don’t feel worth that. If you sit down to the task and feel intimidated by a dollar amount thats your first issue at realizing you have some work to do inside.
The question posed a lot turmoil for me. The biggest one is how could I possibly write a ridiculous amount of money down and then tell people thats what I want to make? How can I write a high amount and then set myself up to fail? The road seems so loooooooong to even achieve such a high pay check for anything I do. The list of negativity that I complied is huge.
It dawned on me one day out of the blue, I was sitting at Starbucks in Malibu thinking God, I wish I could just stay here. I had a weird feeling of unease and restlessness in me. Within a few moments I just felt OMG why can’t I. Why can’t I stay here. Why can’t I live here. Whose life is it anyway. Now I can’t really tell you how I connected the dots because I don’t know. But somehow I had a mission to figure out why I felt I couldn’t do something that I really wanted to do. And it all came back to me, the life I had been living, my personal upbringing, my need to have responsibility and yet the resentment I always felt for having responsibility. I honestly can say I figured it out right there that afternoon. I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ANYONE. There is no right God or wrong God, there is no burden of bearing children, there is no guilt over past relationships and things done wrong. It’s just all me. It’s me and its only me. Now, I don’t want you to read this and assume that it is some perceived notion of utter and complete selfishness that came over me because it is completely the opposite. What I discovered that day is that I want to live in California. How was I going to do that. Everything in my life came together. All the work in my yoga career, my divorce, my children in some odd way I realized that I have a life and desires and dreams and they are taking ME somewhere. Somehow I discovered this indescribable faith in something higher that was truly the only responsibility I had.
So in a nut shell I started to GPS my life by realizing my first role in writing my contract was to position myself in the vision of God. If your reading this and trying to understand how I can help you and faith is not something you have then this might be a little bit of a challenge. But, as I explained faith was always something that was important to me I just didn’t know how to express it in the forefront and I think that was always my problem. Putting work first, having to struggle with a career and raising small kids on my own, overwhelming guilt and feelings of failure, guilt over making choices that effected my marriage and then feeling guilt over any success I had because I just didn’t deserve it. My karmic wheel just never stopped turning. Bottom line, it never stops turing for anyone. That day in California I realized there is nothing wrong with wanting to be here. There is nothing wrong with wanting anything in my life and I DO deserve anything I want. I knew this because I just had a sudden cleanse of the past. I had this overwhelming knowing that everything I have done in my life was never in bad conscience. Have I made mistakes, yes! but I never set out to be selfish, hurtful or a bad mother in any way. I just wanted to build a career and achieve goals.
Maybe I had a moment with God, I don’t know and I don’t want to get all cliche. But I realized that the only thing really truly important is not what I wanted career wise, dollar wise or even success wise but how I was going to be seen by God. Everything changed.
The next time I picked up Napoleon Hills book it made sense, I knew how much money I wanted to make. I wrote $1,000,000. Now let me break this down. I want more than that. I want as much as the sky allows. But it is a number I have written because to me it holds the most value among people. It’s a realistic number that instantly opens doors for people if they thought they could have a million dollars. The reality of it is that what I truly want is not the money but the sense of worth that the money gives me. You see if I had a million dollars it would give me the luxury to go to Africa and care for the mortality rates of pregnant mothers, I can help educate teenage women to gain self confidence, it gives me the ability to one day own a donation only studio. To afford my children the ability to see the world. There is so much I can do with a million dollars and don’t get me wrong, I would be shopping in Beverly Hills. I am human and a girl. But I have come to realize that I no longer confined to my past, I no longer have to answer to the people that have judged me my whole life, I no longer have to waste my time feeling guilty over things that I can’t change. I no longer have an obligation to walk some moral standard that others have set up for me when most of those people have no moral compass of their own. I have to answer to one person, thing, power what ever you want to call it; GOD. If every thing I do from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep is done in the utmost good faith of being good with him then I AM OK.
Now here is the next step in this journey, when you have resolved to follow a moral standard between you and your God, it won’t be without circumstance, judgment and chaos. Why? because we still live among other people. When you follow your path in good faith you will still be held back by those that will put you up against their own beliefs, you will be judged based on the standards and morals of others who don’t believe your faith is as good as theirs, they WILL call your faith SELFISH. How do we manage this new found position in our lives.
How do we find true faith and trust it isn’t just selfishness? How do we follow our heart feel good in our relationship in a higher power and feel different about all the things that once held us back?