The vicious circle of self-love
Self Love has to exist. If you don’t have it, then nothing can ever make you happy. It’s also amazing how we can float between feeling like we have it some days and then feeling so down another day. What I have learned in my life is that this is by far the hardest love to find. No matter what I am working on in my career, what my current goal of the week is or who I am loving, I have to regard the feelings for myself first. If I don’t then everything eventually will come up empty. Every time I feel kicked down and reflect why me, I realize it is because I gave up my self and gave my power away. I let my glass be monitored by someone other than me.
This is not a lesson that has come easy; this isn’t even something I have perfected. In fact after I finish this post I will probably forget it. Self-love is the hardest kind of love. It’s so much easier to lean on others and hear words that make you feel better, positive reinforcement, encouragement and support. We need to hear others tell us how valuable we are. By letting others fill our glass for us we don’t have to get up to the fridge and do the tedious task our selves.
On the flip side we strive to find someone in our lives to love. When we think we have found them we do everything we can to hang on to them. When we love others it allows us to give unconditionally the things we truly want for ourselves. We project our self love outward; it takes away the burden of the work we need to focus on inside ourselves. We hope that by treating people with kindness, respect, loving them, supporting them and being there for them then we will get back what we need. That doesn’t always happen and the result is a bigger emptier glass we need to fill on our own. It’s a vicious circle of filling the glass with others beliefs and emptying the glass to support others needs and constantly coming up with nothing.
The reality is that things keep coming up in our lives to teach us the same lesson over and over again. Until we stop for a moment to figure it out then it doesn’t stop happening. I have spent the last 11 years spinning in circles of empty love. When I look at my accomplishments, there is pride and I can say wow, I did that? That’s when it makes perfect sense, everything I have set out to accomplish I have done so with confidence, with only my belief of how great I can be. I never need someone to fill my glass when it comes to the things I truly believe in. I think that’s self love isn’t it? and because I always work from that place then things happen positively in my career. When it comes to relationships, something goes a miss. I give up myself to give love to people in the hopes it comes back. The give and take thing, isn’t that what a relationship is? Well the reality I am learning is the kind of love I need in a relationship is the one I can give myself. I have figured out that until I start doing absolutely everything from the place of loving myself first, consistently, then I will always come up short somewhere.
We all need career, family life and the love of your life to feel like a complete human. We all try to grasp at attaining those simple things in our lives. Yet, you can have all three on the outside and still be lonely. What I do know for sure is the majority of us feel that way somehow. We get lost between our roots and our wings. Doesn’t it make perfect sense that self love fixes the loneliness. We know it, we hear it and yet we struggle the most with it. I think it’s time to start waking up everyday saying I love me, with that, acting like I do the rest of the day. Maybe that seems selfish and self-absorbed as opposed to self-loved. But isn’t that the lesson of loving yourself first? How to do it effectively and consistently? How to keep doing it all the time, not just in various areas of your life? How to own it, when others challenge it?
What I know for sure in my journey is that every time I give myself up. I have given up. I empty my glass. Then I have to start the process over and let others fill my glass with encouragement, when I feel lifted I turn around and send it out faster then it came in. I am left unhappy. Like I said, I haven’t perfected self-love but I have come far enough to know it has to exist. Now its about stepping out of the vicious circle and making the love for myself a straight and narrow path so that everything that comes to me comes because it’s real and my glass stays full daily and permanently.
Written by Dorothy Guerra
(excerpt from Lost Between Roots and Wings –Finding the Path to our Highest Potential)